the smell of candy is making me seriously ill.

weeks like these make me feel halfway crazy. i've spent all week in parent-teacher conferences, discussing every intimate detail of people's lives. it's so hard to hear about these god-awful custody battles, issues of drugs and alcohol, lack of health insurance, disabilities, psychological illness. the list is endless and everyone is willing to share every little detail. of course, i cannot just listen and leave. i feel for every single family. i want to help every one of them and i often leave these conversations feeling both futile and powerful. it's awfully confusing.
i am looking foward to getting away this weekend and actually getting to spend some time with that guy i live with. and also just relax and cozy up in this wonderful autumn weather.
i want to cook and sleep and read and laugh and drink wine and have good conversations and cuddle under blankets and watch the fog and hear the quiet and pet lots of lovely animals. i want to wake up and feel calm.
tomorrow is halloween. i am dressing like a bunny for school. not a playboy bunny, like the lady at the costume shop suggested, but a pink bunny with big ears. i thought about giving out carrots instead of candy, but realized 13-year-olds would not be amused by that so i will be a cool teacher and give out candy and glow-in-the-dark necklaces and rings (safety first) and funny eyeglasses with moustaches if anyone doesn't have a costume.

things are WRONG around here.
today we had record highs in this city by the bay- 92 degrees.
the weather forecast today predicts that by this weekend, we should expect record LOWS. in the 30's. a 60-degree drop in 5 days? does this not seem totally fucked to anyone else? how does a person begin to deal with this madness? i guess one goes to sleep tonight with all the windows open and the fan on and then this weekend, turns on the heat and starts wearing her winter coat.

we have maggots in the house. i'm really beginning to feel unglamorous.

first, the disease. abcesses? couldn't i have gotten something romantic like herpes or diabetes? something people could relate to or at least have sympathy for. no, i end up with some random obese african-american disease that with symptoms that are mentioned in the bible.

and now we have maggots. not ants, not fleas, not roaches. noooooo, we couldn't be that boring. we have to go with the larva dropping out of light sockets to really make a statement.

i'm sorry, but on the day that we turn the clocks back could it be a little less than 85 degrees out? i think god is punishing me and making the heat follow me everywhere i go...

in armpit updates:

turns out i have not tested 100% positive for the obese african-american woman disease. which is GOOD news. apparently the biopsy was inconclusive and i will, according to my doctor, just "find out in the next few years". alrighty, then.
she did highly support my decision to find some alternative therapies to resolve the situation, as well as putting me on a month-long regiment of antibiotics.

the great part about today was that I HAD THE DAY OFF! and it was beautiful and i got to walk around town window-shopping and dessert-eating with another teacher friend of mine who called in sick today. AND i got to discover a really great noodle joint that just opened by our house with our lovely neighbors. AND i got to sleep until 8:30 this morning. AND i got to take a really long shower and do a face mask. dear god, does the fun ever end for post-hip chicks everywhere?

i'm going to rate today at about an 8.

one day i'll shut up about my kids. not today.

today's assignment: answer the question- what are your dreams for your life? draw a picture of your dreams and the challanges you might face obtaining your dreams.

my most troubled boy, the one who pulled a knife on someone last week, drew a picture of himself flying away from his house, while his parents cried for him to come back. i'm no shrink, but that's not hard to decode.

another boy wants to join the army so he can kill people. my liberal slant must not be coming through. this is the same boy who can't spell the word 'like' but can correctly spell 'world destruction' and 'mayham'. go figure.

first off, i want to say i've spent a lot of time in my life thinking about, discussing, reading about, and studying women's rights and feminism.
but at this point, feminism looks like an upper-crust theory that nobody i spend my day with can afford. where is feminism when your kids go to jail? where is feminism when you can't make ends meet? where is feminism when you don't speak the language?

of the 12 kids in my class, 9 have parents that have been in or are in jail. 3 of these 13-year olds have already been to juvie. they LIKE it there.

one of my students' 2-year old sister was hit and killed by a car yesterday.

i am getting old very fast.

i still don't understand the point of friendster. what could i get from it?
UPDATE!
it is also so fucking slow that it makes me want to slash my wrists. seriously, guys, that has to be changed.

i wish i could post about something really exciting and interesting and witty, but alas, these things aren't happening so much these days. i don't feel particularly witty or "on". i mostly feel stressed and unobservant about the little things around me, since the big things feel so overwhelming right now. i also don't really feel like doing very much these days, which doesn't feel like depression or laziness but rather a previously unknown exhaustion developed by being part of a truly depressed community of children.
i am tired a lot, i am worried a lot, i am working a lot. i also have this disease that i have been rather flip about, but it takes a lot out of me. the antibiotics don't help much. i feel unhealthy but don't have the time or energy to do much about it. my anxiety seems to have risen a bit as well lately. it's nowhere near it's previous level, but i have been more conscious of it of late.
i can't remember the last time i saw a friend. isn't that awful? sadly, it's true. i need to make more time for that, really. i have been neglectful of most things around me.
all that being said, i actually had a really nice weekend. spent saturday with my mom at the most chi-chi farmers market and enjoyed every minute of overpriced purchasing. spent today at the beach with the lovely beau and the belle, which was loads of fun, mainly because bella believed she found heaven. we should all be so easy to please.
i suppose this is just the life of a post-hip chick. some days it's good, some days it's blue. and days like this, it's just sort of in between the two.

have you read this book? it's young adult fiction, and I COULD NOT PUT IT DOWN. go read it, you will enjoy...

apparently bella had enough of waiting around for someone to walk her today and took advantage of the fact that the painters keep leaving the gate open to take herself on a little stroll. our neighbors found her chilling in the park- i'm sure she was having a grand time of it. probably didn't even realize that nobody was escorting her.

it will always be a mystery to me how i developed a disease typically found in obese african-american women. makes you wonder...

so i'm a teacher and teachers have to dress up for halloween. what should i be? please suggest, i am so bad at this sort of stuff.

yesterday: holly & charlie (proud owners of marley the dog) tied the knot. we were graced with an amazing pre-wedding show: the blue angels flying directly overhead. they really pulled out all the stops for the wedding.
the best part: holly became holly holliday and her mom made a toast that their life be filled with "little hollidays". hardy har har.

now if i could just get rid of this goddamn cold while the weather is still nice, i would be one happy girl.

if i could just find a way to make money on dog hair, i would be a very rich lady.

after a period i thought would never end, i'm finally seeing the belle grow out of her puppyhood a little. i can't say it's completely behind us, as her recent bathmat chewing admits, but she seems considerably less self-centered and a little more interested in the people for things beyond food and walks to see other dogs. i have to say, there have been many times that i've been screaming "BELLA" that i thought this day would never arrive. she's now enjoying a good cuddle now and then and is becoming noticably more affectionate. i have to believe it's the access she's been allowed on the bed of late, but some people (i won't name names) don't totally buy that story. at any rate, i have confidence that my girl is going to grow into just the doggie i wanted. yay for us.

well, wow. my school loaned me a laptop for the weekend since mine is at the doctor. i'm a tad perplexed and disturbed that they have these fancy new pc laptops to loan out to teachers WHEN WE STILL DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BOOKS, but i digress.
what i'm amazed by is the options blogger offers me as a pc user that i don't get as a mac user. we are soooo disenfranchised as mac users.

i'm coming down with a goddamn cold. i refuse to let it vacation here. we are hosting enough as it is.

my little puter is at the doctor. it's doing this weird and dysfunctional thing of falling asleep when the screen is up and waking up when it's down. really, fun for the whole family. so i'm blogging on the lovely beau's, and i'm sure he'll appreciate all the links i leave in the history box. one can only imagine.

one of my students tried to commit suicide. but i'm supposed to teach her language arts. all i want to do is bring her home with me and show her how life could be if she gets her shit together. but that's not an option as a teacher. you have to TEACH, all the fucking time. maybe i should be a counselor or something. this breaks me.

this morning's natural wake-up time: 4 a.m.
of course, i blame arnold for this.

in the last 24 hours, bill clinton, al gore, and martin sheen have called me. i feel really special on this lovely election day. MY BOYS!

i am really trying to get the energy up to at least leave the house once this weekend but i don't think it's going to happen.

finally, finally feeling better after days and days of thinking the pain would never end.
did i mention through all of this we are dogsitting our lovely neighbor's dogs while they are off getting married. three dogs is rather a lot of dog, especially in small urban quarters. every morning they wake me up with the patter of their dog nails and their tails wagging against every hard surface they can connect with. bella is really enjoying being part of a pack, though. it seems to give her days a little meaning, beyond finding things to chew on or rummaging through the trash.
since i'm finally feeling better, i guess it's time to start the workweek. make things interesting for students who don't seem to care either way.

well, as it turns out, i am plauged with the new and fun disease hydrinititis supparativa. i would link you to it, but it's a disturbing disease you do not want to google on an empty stomach. very, very disturbing (thank you, katrina, for the photos that would keep me up at night were it not for the codeine). i am still in incredible pain from the surgery, and i have to say, i had completely forgotten just how consuming pain can be until this. it keeps me up at night, it wakes me in the early morning, i am conscious of it during every waking moment. the stitches are now bleeding, which i'm not sure is a good sign. a 7 a.m. emergency call to the doctor regarding this has yet to be returned, so i'm just assuming it can't be too bad. as it turns out, i will have to get my sweat glands removed based on this diagnosis. i have googled this surgery, but haven't found anyone who has had it done for reasons beyond cosmetic. COSMETIC! people apparently get this done for FUN? what the fuck? it's mind-boggling to think anyone would care that much about a little sweat. but lucky me, i will no longer have to worry about b.o., stained t-shirts, or the rising cost of deodarant. i can't say it feels quite worth it yet, as pain is not a trade-off i would take for those petty problems. but apparently this one is out of my hands.

um, i guess when they say "surgery", you shouldn't make the mistake of thinking you'll be in and out and back to work tomorrow (who would think THAT?). no, expect to be there for hours and hours, drugged up to your heart content's and leave in writhing pain. i know it sounds ignorant, but who knew? i've spent most of the day asleep in some sort of drug coma. i guess this is when you catch up on sleep. the pain was really surprising and also incredible. i became merely a writhing mess. when i called in for back-up, back up (aka ananda) sounded as bad as i did. apparently she had food poisening.
all i wanted was jello with whipped cream (i haven't a clue why. it seems good for sick people, no?), so i sent my roommate out to get it. the whipped cream hasn't left the bedside table, and while it may sound really kinky, i hate to say, it's merely there for easy acess squirts into jello cups.
the pain is way too intense to go to work tomorrow- plus i have a huge bandage covering the whole top of my arm and shoulder. armpit surgery SUCKS!

coversation overheard in the pre-op room today:
"Mom, don't you think my skin has really cleared up in jail?"
"I do, honey, I do. You're doing something right."

Today I am getting armpit surgery. In just a few hours, as a matter of fact. I'm trying to look on the bright side, and there are two.
One: I get to be knocked out with two adivan.
Two: If it does turn out to be hydrinitis supafuckwhatever, they will remove my sweat glands. no more money wasted on deodarant, i guess. oddly, i had a dream about deodarant last night. hmmm.