if they gave out crowns for this shit, i'd have many servants:

i am seriously the queen of procrastination. i take it to limits previously unknown by man. and sometimes when i have to get something done, i get my head into this place where i think it simply cannot be done. i ponder the repercussions and think 'huh- an F on my transcripts is not so bad' or 'maybe i should give the professor my blog address and they can see how much i've written about teaching and maybe they will think i'm funny and then they'll be like no, you don't have to write that paper that was due LAST MONDAY, cause yo! you got a blog'. do you think this would work?
or i just start in on major around-the-house procrastination. hmmm, maybe this is a good night to cook a 3-course meal and a "special" dessert? i've been meaning to clean the bathroom. time to dust!
last semester, i was having such a block and breakdown about yet another overdue paper that the lovely beausband had to turn off our wireless connection. i was mad at first, but it worked.
just on my laptop (purchased during my last semester as an undergraduate and so is only about 2.5 years old), i have 27 papers written. of course i can get this last one done, due LAST MONDAY. i've done them before.

i think i'll send the prof an email with the blog address. and go bake a cake.

google remembers EVERYTHING:

like when you go to write an email that says "this is to inform you" and it remembers when you wrote "this is for midgets to use to wipe their bottoms, because their arms don't reach". don't ask.

i am curious if pitbulls are actually attacking more, or if the news is just reporting it more. why do i think the latter?

shmaniversary:

this weekend marked one year that the lovely beausband and i have been officially engaged in marital bliss. the day was properly marked by a vacation to a little resort town down the coast, which proves yours truly has become completely unironic and overworked and thirty-something, as she now encourages such posh vacations.

things done on said lovely weekend jaunt:

lots of walking around carmel and admiring the horticulture

a day at the monterey bay aquarium

sitting on the beach, sunset

being all blissed-out married couple
also, lots of eating delicious food and sleeping deep sleeps and lots of homemade candy. being married ROCKS!

while i can't say i have ever felt quite as bourgeois as i did taking bella to a doggie daycare at $30 a day, i have to say the money may have been well-spent, being that i got to watch her all day on their webcam.
watching dogs play all day while suffering through another 11 hours of class- priceless.

posthipchick fashion tip #224:

never, ever wear business attire with tevas. you would be surprised at how many people feel this is acceptable. let them know it's not.

is anyone else that reads this going, or interested in going, to the blogher conference?

we are at hour 30 (out of 55) in the-week-from-hell, and i don't think i'm going to make it. my legs are hurting from not being used for so many hours, i have absolutley no ability to concentrate, and every last thing is driving me crazy. oh, and i have two major projects due by next week, and three minor projects due by tomorrow. and i have to make cupcakes for 25 tonight, too. my neck is hurting from being scrunched up and i am hungry but nothing tastes good. i'm off for a stroll to get the blood flowing. i think i'm going to have to take up smoking again.

someone in my already-nightmarish class approached me today at a break and asked me to no longer ask questions during class, as she "has been looking forward to this class and would like to get as much information as possible from the professor, and she (the professor) is already behind."
i often don't know what to do when people are so blatently socially retarded like this. i just sort of freeze in disbelief and can't think of any witty or snarky, or even honest answers to this sort of behavior. it takes me awhile to process that someone has actually said this bizarre statement, and then even longer to come up with a comeback. now i want to respond to her, but it seems strange to do that a day after she approached me. how should i handle this, dear abby's?

i got hit with a meme from alithinks, about books no less. so here you go; learn something (nerdy) about posthipchick.

1. number of books i own:
a rough estimate has us at about 800, at least in the living quarters. i can't address all of those in my classroom and in storage.
2. last book i bought:
teachers have it easy, and edited collection. like i said before, i bought it to talk shit, which there will be plenty of soon. however, the editor's voice is pretty quiet in it, and it is primarily the different experience of teachers. i can't talk shit about that.
3. last book i read:
well, i'm reading cryptinomicon by neal stephenson right now, but i'm only a few pages in. movie-stub-bookmarks indicate that i read about 200 pages of it last summer, and inexplicably put it down. i'm hoping the second time's a go, as it gets rave reviews from some of my favorite bookies.
4. five books that mean a lot to me:
- like ms. frizzle, traveling mercies by anne lamott. i've read it about 100 times, and still go back for more. it soothes me.
- small wonder, by barbara kingsolver. her novels are fantastic, but her essays stay with me always.
- push, by sapphire. it is, by far, the most disturbing book i've ever read, but i can say it made me seriously consider the role of education in poverty, and what i can do to change lives.
- mrs. dalloway. i didn't think i liked virginia woolf until i read this book. i LOVE virginia woolf. LOVE!
- he, she and it by marge piercy. the first sci-fi book i have ever enjoyed, and my introduction to the amazing marge piercy, who writes so much more than sci-fi.

i'll go ahead and just say that i'm tagging any teacher who reads my blog. let us know in the comments if you do it and i'll link to you.

p.s. are you bored? i am! i am in class for 11 hours per day for the entire week. want to save me? go ahead and send an email-- i could desparately use the distraction.

if you know you are going to be at school for 11 hours one day and that the only highlight will be food, you may choose to pack the following to "get you through":

1 berry scone
1 container greek yogurt with blueberries and honey
1 container hummus
1 bag pita chips
3 waffle cookies
1 bag root vegetable chips
1 bad toasted baguette slices
1 roasted red pepper
3 sprigs of basil
1 large chunk of goat cheese
2 slices flan

in case you were wondering, corporate culture is still alive and strong out there. tonight, not only did posthipchick have the opportunity to witness a lot of khakis and dull conversation, she got to do it all at an 'island' theme party. if there is one thing posthipchick hates more than dressing up, it is theme parties. can someone please explain the point of these to me? oh yes, let's go out and spend money on some theme wear (island, crazy hat, prom, decades, etc.) that will be worn ONCE at a gathering of people who have seen you plenty of time in your regular clothes and seemed fine with it. ooooh, that will be FUN! i may have mentioned before, but posthipchick is not such a fan of 'fun', in the sense of 'making efforts to ensure people look silly', which is actually what a lot of people seem to consider fun.

so all of this is to say that posthipchick is most certainly getting old and crumudgeonly, and should certainly not be invited anywhere again, since she is such a bitch about it afterwards.

articles like this one make me very angry.
they are incredibly misleading to the general public who do not work in education, and continue the theory that students will do better if teachers only worked harder. while this is true to a certain extent, it is NOT the only factor in student achievement.

why does this article make me so angry? mainly because it states that 90% of the students from this school are going to college. what it should actually state is that 30% (an applaudable number, given the student's backgrounds) are going to college and the other 60% are going to junior colleges. i don't mean to imply that a jc is NOT a college, but let's be clear- there are NO requirements for a jc if you are over the age of 18. anyone can go, regardless of high school graduation or grades. jc's are great- both my husband and i went to them- his career there far more successful than mine- but i feel it misleads people to say that 90% of the students from this school have had the necessary success to go to college. over 60% of students that enter the csu (california state university) system are not academically prepared for college- that number is no doubt much higher at a jc.

this article makes a good headline and gives everyone warm fuzzies, but i do feel it is an inaccurate picture of the actual success of students.

with the big *1* year anniversary coming up, i thought i should investigate what one is expected to purchase for such a momentous occassion. i found this list online to help with all of your anniversary needs. the traditional, they are all good. but the modern. um, what the fuck?

-the 7th year is 'desk sets'. what is a desk set? all i can think of are those little boxes that elementary students used to put on their desk. am i supposed to get my husband a box? should i put some stickers inside, too?
-moving right along to year 24-- musical instruments. i'm going to put it out there now, for my lovely husband. please do not get me a musical instrument. and i will not get you one. let's go to a concert instead.
-moving along to the 41st and 42nd- the 41st being land, the 42nd being improved real estate. guess this is going to be a busy year for you, honey, making improvements on that land. that's ok, you'll only be 76!
-lucky for everyone, that 43rd year will make it worth all that work. yes, this is the year where we give groceries for the anniversary. because, you know, being married for 43 years deserves nothing more than another trip to the fucking grocery store. woo-hoo.

can i tell you how much it annoys me that someone who has never taught wrote this book? i'm sure he just just edited it or whatever, but still... let the teachers who actually teach write these books.
sorry, i have a stick up my ass about dave eggers.

editor's note: i bought the book so i could read it and then have actual authority to talk shit, instead of just my knee-jerk reaction to all that is dave eggers. i will try my best to be fair, but there are no guarantees. the stick is far up there. far.

the sickies

an update on the household ailments here, for all my (3) readers:

* the husband seems to be recovering, though is still in a lot of pain (particularly back and hand). he will be fine, in time, but it takes time to recover from being hit by a car, apparently. he is still unable to perform basic household tasks, but is managing to purchase furniture left and right.
* stinky le bobo (aka bella) is totally fine. after being sick from both ends yesterday morning, lying around morosely and lethargically all day, she perked right up after a little peanut butter kong in the afternoon and even went to the park last night. i maintain she felt the earthquake/ possible tsunami coming up in oregon, but some people disagree with me. hurumph.

in all seriousness, thank you all for your well wishes and concern. they have been appreciated more than you know.

sure signs that your dog is sick:

1. mailman comes and goes and there is not a peep
2. when reaching for the leash, dog displays no signs of excitement
3. you eat. she lies quietly in another room.
4. dropped food is still on the floor
5. you pick up her favorite toy. she puts her head on your lap, showing no indication that toy is even noticed.

posthipchick tip #314:

if you are teaching a 4-hour night class that meets every single night, maybe it's not the best idea to LECTURE the entire 4 hours in a swelterning classroom, therefore putting all your students to sleep.

today i wish i was at an midwestern lake house somewhere, surrounded by quiet and nighttime bug sounds. i wish there was a screened-in porch to sleep at night, and a scratchy radio coming in. i wish there were some friends there with us- people to cook with and spend the day talking with, before retiring for a mid-day read and nap. i wish i had spent the day out on a pier, jumping into the lake to cool off and sipping fresh-squeezed lemonade. i would have liked to have eaten a big pasta dinner and fresh berries with whipped cream for dessert and smoked a cigarette as the sun went down. i wish there were waffles for breakfast and people padding around in their pj's, making coffee and sitting in the morning shade outside and eating. i wish this went on for five days with nothing but the sound of kids yelling from the lake and the smell of big campfires at night.

vicoden dreams:

i woke my husband up from his drug-induced slumber this morning to have him say to me "can you please teach people that they can do other things for work besides sell cookies?"

um, yes, i can.

because she won't tell you herself, i'll tell you.
go wish the awesome ms. frizzle a good birthday and an amazing year.
trust me, she deserves it.

i spent today at the local corporate amusement park, chaperoning 200 8th graders on their celebratory end-of-the-year trip. and to be clear, by chaperoning, i mean riding the bus with them and standing in front of the appointed emergency meeting spot for my designated hour, and riding the bus home with them. the remainder of the time found me at the uninteresting-to-8th-graders water park, soaking up the sun and pretending that i was actually in australia, not on a class field trip. there were also many trips to different eateries in the park, and i sampled pizza, dipping dots, french fries and fried shrimp, and a carmel apple. i could have done better, but didn't want to laave the outback very often. the day ended with so many sobbing 8th graders that i had to stop asking what was wrong. apparently the departure from middle school is a traumatizing event for the youngins these days.

in all seriousness, i am incredibly relieved that this week is over. on top of all of the last-week-of-school insanity, and graduation, and this trip, and a class everyday after school until 8:00 p.m., i have not been able to give my ailing husband enough attention since his most awful accident. he has been forced into take-out food every night, since i can't really cook, and has been alone at home in pain for 12+ hours every day. i'm glad i'm finally home with him.

grateful:

today i got the call you worry about at 3 a.m. when you can't sleep. the call where everything around you goes silent and you feel as if you're underwater. "mrs. j?" they asked when i answered my classroom phone. "are you ----'s wife?"
my husband was hit by a car on his bike on his way to work this morning. we know nothing more than that, as his memory is fuzzy, and the police have yet to return my call. there doesn't seem to be any permanant damage, but he is as bruised and abrased as i've ever seen a person in real life. he is out of the hospital, at home, unable to be even brushed against, and pumped up on a bunch of good drugs. the nurse at the emergency room showed me his wrecked helmet and said "if he didn't have this on, we would be having a very different conversation right now". i am so grateful.

i am really annoyed that i am the person who volunteers for everything and then it becomes expected that i will do everything and then people get all pissy when i don't do one little thing. kind of makes me not want to do anything EVER and then they will stop expecting something from me.

if i see an "i'm a princess" license plate frame, i should just go ahead and get it:

my 30th birthday rocked my socks off. for so many reasons.

first, i took my actual birthday off work, slept in, went shopping, got a manicure/ pedicure, and the lovely beausband & i met my parents that night for an amazing dinner at the slanted door. my husband gave me a card saying i would be getting presents for THREE days, one for each decade i've been alive. day one was dubbed 30th birthday, day 1, and was lovely prezzies for "n. at home"-- a cuisinart, and a gaggle of cooking implements. i was in heaven.

30th birthday, day 2 was for "n. on the road", and was a pink ipod. does a girl need more out of life? no, she doesn't. i've never been this spoiled.

30th birthday, day 3 was a gathering of friends from near and far (some surprise visitors as well!) at alma for dinner. i can't remember the last time i've been in such great company. it was one of those nights where you look around and can't imagine your soul could possibly be any more full. as if THAT'S not enough, i got my 30th birthday, day 3 present. a trip to paris and italy, from my husband. how much does that man ROCK my socks off? there aren't even words. PARIS! ITALY! WITH THE MAN I AM SMITTEN WITH FOR LIFE! if this is the precedent for my 30's, there is no doubt this decade is going down in history. i love my life.

well, it's finally happened. posthipchick has reached the posthip age of 30. this is fine, as now i can start saying "oh, that is for the kids", which i did anyway, but now i have authority. i am 30!

and so, entering a new decade and all, it seems appropriate and important to make some goals to get me through the next decade. but i swear, after this decade, i'm just going to get some rest.

30 things to do in my 30's:
1. have a baby (or two or three)
2. own a house (or tic, or condo, or apartment. i'm easy, just OWN something!)
3. get a master's degree
4. go on girls weekend with childhood friends
5. write
6. throw husband a 40th birthday party to remember
7. change blog layout
8. read virginia woolf's diaries
9. teach high school english
10. find a "signature" cake to bake
11. go to paris
12. host a thanksgiving dinner
13. send out the goddamn thank-yous for wedding gifts (there's a 10-year window, right?)
14. stop picking at my cuticles
15. move out of mountain view
16. see one student go to college
17. see gone with the wind
18. get off the meds
19. remain happily married
20. go skiing with husband
21. exercise at least once
22. treat my mom to a vacation
23. finish the ground beneath her feet (i read it at the wrong time- during tfa institute- and have about 100 pages left)
24. be able to do one push-up
25. go to yellowstone
26. teach my child- or children- to make chocolate chip cookies and latkes
27. go on a spa weekend
28. learn to use a drill (and level)
29. eat a lot
30. find a hairstyle i can live with that doesn't involve the straightner OR a lot of product